It’s not often that you see a pregnant woman’s water break all over her Chanel pantsuit in the middle of the farmer’s market. It’s also rare to birth a perfectly clean, wide-eyed four-month-old. And Lord knows we don’t look like Julia Roberts while they sew up our vaginas in the delivery room.
It’s fair to say that most movie clichés about pregnancy and parenting aren’t accurate. However, there have been times during this whole being-a-mom-thing where I think to myself, “Wow, this could be in a movie.”
So, I present to you the nine parenting clichés, straight from Hollywood, that absolutely happen in real life.
1. Pregnancy-induced hormonal rage. It happens to all of us. Some have one episode that she nor her husband will ever speak of again. Others may avoid this, if the husbands batten down the hatches as soon as that pregnancy test turns up positive. Regardless, at some point, we’re going to notice that you left the toilet seat up for the HUNDRETH time and we’re going to flip out about it. But, you can’t get mad. Because we’re carrying your spawn.
2. Labor insults. I told my mother to shut up. And I meant it.
3. Sleepless nights and tired days. Walking around in the dark with a crying newborn, bouncing her up and down, putting a bottle (or a boob) to her mouth, wondering exactly how out of date the whole bourbon-on-the-gums thing really is. And then never mentioning you ever had that thought. Oh yeah, that happens.
4. Comforting car ride. You’ve tried everything; music, singing, hair stroking, rocking, bouncing, feeding, burping, wardrobe changes. The baby just doesn’t want to calm down. So, at 4:30 am, you put her in her car seat and take a little ride. She’s asleep instantly and you get to listen to bad talk radio and feel bad for all of the people on the road on their way to work. But then you realize they probably get more sleep than you do on a nightly basis, and suddenly you envy them.
5. Poop. Poop everywhere. You’ve heard the saying; “diarrhea happens.” And if that isn’t exactly how the saying goes, it should be. Babies’ digestive systems are all wacky, their immune systems suck; eventually, they will have an explosive poop episode. Personally, my first major incident involved a full diaper and then a second wave on the carpet. Poop under my fingernails. Literally.
6. The tornado. You know the scene; baby is finally asleep, drooling all over her pillow and Mom is in the middle of the living room, toys scattered everywhere and laundry all over the furniture and marks on the walls. Creepy cartoons are playing in the background and her hair is sticking straight up, her mascara down her face and her glasses up on the mantel because her toddler loves to tear them off her face. If you can’t remember what movie this is from, it’s because I’m actually describing my Wednesday night.
7. Early bedtime. Even if you were a complete night owl before getting pregnant, when you decide to leave baby with Grandma and have a night out with the girls, it becomes painfully obvious that staying up into the wee hours of the morning only reminds you of how much you have to get done the next day.
8. Small things are thrilling. My toddler can’t talk yet, but she pees in the potty. You better believe I’m going to jump up and down, clap and make up a song about the whole ordeal.
9. That moment. If you’re a mom, you know the moment I’m talking about. Sometimes, it hits you when she’s sleeping soundly on your chest. Or when she looks at you from her highchair and smiles for no reason. Or when you’re walking down the street and she reaches up for your finger. That moment.
Life isn’t always like the movies, but if it were, mine would break the box office.