Recently, a friend and her husband experienced something most parents refuse to even imagine: the death of a child. Tia carried her baby to term, but due to a knot in her cord, her baby girl, Jessie, passed on June 28th.
When I heard the news, my heart shattered. Not only as a friend, but as a mother. What could I possibly do or say to make anything hurt less?
Tia has a tattoo on her shoulder that reads, “We are infinite.” Infinite is defined as “boundless,” “endless,” and “limitless.” I hope Tia reads those words in the mirror every day and believes them into the deepest part of herself.
A lover of poetry, with a passion for writing, Tia took to paper when expressing herself out loud became too difficult. I was beyond honored when she asked me to share it on this blog, to, in some small way, become a vessel from her soul to the people she loves most.
“The worst day of our lives came to the tune of a broken heart.
It left us only able to speak in fragments of sentences that we once said with joy.
It choked our dreams that we had planned for what seemed like an eternity.
Our minds drown in a collection of why and what if’s that couldn’t be rationalized.
And there was a distinctive silence that came in many forms.
Along came a deafening tone that seemed so loud that it could crack the foundation of everything we ever held dear.
It came with words from those who would come to know of our unfortunate truth, or with gestures of a combination of love and sympathy. It came in speechless sighs and utter dismay.
This day shattered our world as we knew it, and changed our very existence.
It changed our names and titles in life, becoming the most important, even if we have temporarily lost the right to exercise our parental voice.
Ironically in the worst way, holds the most beautiful event of our lives.
The birth of our first child, a little girl.
The birth of a baby who is known to be our miracle in more ways than one.
The single being that truly knows my heart from listening to it from the inside as she grew from a dream to a reailty.
This day brought us the ability to look upon the most beautiful face we have ever seen.
A face that was made of undying love between husband and wife.
Although an infant she exceeded every last expectation we had, every last shred of a doubt was gone.
On this day, the center of our universe shifted.
Our little girl wouldn’t be coming home with us, at least not in the physical sense that we had longed for, and I will no longer carry her in my belly.
She will forever become a passenger in my heart, owning the other half that my husband doesn’t already hold.
She will view us from above in a much better position than we could have ever put her in.
Although the pain is irreperable, we will move forward and this open wound will begin to heal, it will leave a mark that we will both proudly bare.
We will become stronger together and defy the laws of nature and become closer than we could ever imagine.
This will come in the form of another chance, a leap of faith, and all of the courage we can muster.
We will try again.”
-Mrs. Tia Kellam
In loving memory of Jessie Marie Kellam.