6 Ways to Ensure your Daughter Doesn’t Grow up to be Ann Coulter

My darling four-month-old daughter will one day have to grow up in this world. Among other important things, she will choose a political stance, a favorite ice cream, a mate and a religion.

No matter her choices, no matter her path, I will love her with all of my heart. All I can do is my best to steer that path as far away as humanly possible from becoming a woman like Ann Coulter.

I may not be a Republican or a devout Christian. I may not own a gun or eat meat. However, I also grew up knowing acceptance, tolerance and love for those who are unlike myself and that makes me far more different from Ann Coulter than anything else.

Ms. Coulter has endlessly shit on the notions of respect and acceptance that I hope to teach my daughter. As she continues to pop up on my various electronics, I am constantly baffled by the vile hate that spews from her mouth.

Therefore, I have created a list to help all positive and fun-loving mothers to direct their baby girls away from becoming like Ann Coulter.

Warning: these methods are not proven. Yet.

O will learn there are two sides to everything. Politics is essentially about picking a side: the right or the left. I could not care less which party my daughter chooses to stand by, as long as she respects the people across the aisle. When my husband and I disagree, a compromise will be made and it will be made in front of her and she will learn to work with people who may disagree with her.

O will have many gay people in her life. And everyone else that may be different from her. She will be their ally. She will attend their weddings. And she will watch a lot of Will and Grace reruns. Because that show is a damn classic.

O will have many, many pets. I learned everything I needed to know about compassion from the animals I grew up with. I learned to respect all creatures that inhabit the Earth and she will, too. I also learned how to pick up all different sizes of poop, which somehow equates to responsibility.

O will not be driven by fear. I will insist my daughter wear a helmet when she rides a bike, but let her know she’s also allowed to ride that bike to the store and not just the end of the driveway. I will tell her not to get into a stranger’s car but to say “hi” to them as they walk past. Fear makes people blind, violent and spiteful. Fear makes people hide guns under their pillow at night in case they can’t get to the one in the bedside table fast enough.

O will be hugged. All the time. Maybe, just maybe, Ann Coulter wasn’t hugged enough as a child and as an adult. Just in case, I’ll be hugging my daughter superfluously everyday. Just as one puts an additional candle on their birthday cake for good luck, I will hug O one extra time each day, hoping to secure the good fortune of having her turn into a decent human being.

O will respect Ann Coulter. As well as everyone else who may be radical, rude and extreme. I cannot advocate tolerance and acceptance and simultaneously preach hating a woman for being too intolerable and unacceptable. Make sense? Ann has a strong, unyielding voice and is great friends with Bill Maher. I want all of those things for my daughter and not even in that order.

As O grows up, I will keep this list handy and possibly tattoo some bullet points on the inside of my arm.

Whether she chooses to become a Republican or a Democrat or to learn nothing of the world around her, I will simply continue to thank the universe for her kind heart and open mind that have been instilled in her because of these practices.

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A strawberry this cute could never be cruel.

And please remember to click the lady below to make baby O famous!

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